Goals
- Closer relationship with God- Today I am on a 5 hour road trip to visit my son. I used my time to talk to God and prayed for my son. I haven’t seen him face to face for 2 years. I talk to him every day but it was shocking to see how much worse his health is. This is a heartbreaking trip.
- Get Fit/Strong- I did lower body before I left on my trip. I just did the compound moves , belt squats, calf raises, squats, dead lifts then used the monkey feet knee raises.
- House organization- I did 15 minutes of paper sorting before I left
- Write- 15 minutes today
- Camper Reno- not today
Life’s Storms
I found myself wishing I had someone with me today on my trip. Someone that would help me confront what I knew is going to be the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I will likely have to face the death of a child. Something I believe that no parent ever wants to endure. As I drove, thinking about how I was going to handle this alone, I was reminded that I am not alone. God is with me always, I need this reminder. A person is not able to give me the peace I need in this situation. I have no experience , I do not want experience. I do not want to face this. I want God to heal my son and give him a chance to have a life. But, I know this may not happen. My son may not be healed. I am going to bring him home and put him in the hospital I work in to see if they can help him. Clearly, where he lives they are not doing anything. I have to take him to an appointment here and I want to rage, as a healthcare provider I know that in fact he has not gotten the care he needs. My son puts off going to the hospital as the treatment he gets as an ex addict, to say the least has been demeaning and condescending. I am angry but he is an adult, but he is still my child. My feelings vacillate between rage, helplessness and a sadness that I don’t have a name for yet. So I pray and put myself in Jesus’s hand. I am sure that I will need constantly reminded in the days and weeks to come that I have to anchor in this storm to my Father. I have faced many storms over my life but this one , this one, I do not want to face. I want God to take this away. I want it to be a bad dream that I can wake up from and I know this is a waste of time thought. I think of my friend who recently lost her youngest son in a motorcycle accident and I wonder, is suddenly losing a child different than watching one slowly die? I cannot use the word easier in this situation, I can’t find any word here that fits. I am at a loss for a word. Is there a word? Maybe someday I will find one I can use. I continue to talk to my Father, pray , read my Bible and look for treatments for my child. My son needs an advocate and this is me. So I have to be strong so I can be who he needs, I cannot fall apart. Maybe here and there I know that I will have moments, probably more than moments. This will be my biggest test, I know.
justagirlthatlovessweettea 